Lurker.land - tag #kawalzreddita

Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/nK7ylSlE5
Data dodania: 7/1/2022, 3:09:39 PM
Autor: marshalist

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"
The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens. "Fk its my husband!!" she said. "Quick, hang out of the bedroom window and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away" So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips. The husband comes in the bedroom, says "Its cold in here" slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground. The woman is distraught and calls an ambulance. A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital. "How are you" she asked. "Well, my fingers are broken, Ive got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion" he said. "Oh dear" she said. "Still, it could have been much worse", "Much worse!?" said the dwarf. "How do you figure that out?" . "Well" she said, "youre lucky that I live in a bungalow".

#kawalzreddita #marshaltown


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/pUzDkMw7n
Data dodania: 6/23/2022, 2:09:30 PM
Autor: marshalist

One night, Pinnochio’s girlfriend says to him, “This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

#kawalzreddita #marshaltown


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/SOPqpyR0Y
Data dodania: 5/11/2022, 2:14:39 PM
Autor: marshalist

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking "Oh no! My mom's gonna kill me!"

#kawalzreddita #marshaltown


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/HlT3u1UFw
Data dodania: 3/15/2022, 3:42:21 PM
Autor: marshalist

"Woman with large vagina"

A woman goes to a gynaecologist for an examination. She gets up on the examining table, her feet up in the stirrups, in position to be examined. The doctor looks between her legs and says "My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina". The woman asks "How many times must you say that?" The doctor replies "I only said it once!"

#kawalzreddita #marshaltown


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/T0HXN7nd5
Data dodania: 3/13/2022, 1:52:20 AM
Autor: marshalist

A jewish guy sends his son to Israel, and he comes back home christian. The man thinks this is odd so he tells his friend about it.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel when he was Jewish and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . ."

#kawalzreddita #marshaltown


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/vE2r46T3Q
Data dodania: 2/8/2022, 6:28:25 PM
Autor: marshalist

A Scottish man moves to Canada, one day he decides to visit a local bar, he notices an animal head framed and put in the wall, he asks the Bartender what is it

"a moose" said the Bartender

"fock me, how big are the cats here ?!" said the Scot

#kawalzreddita #marshaltown


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/ltqjog4kQ
Data dodania: 12/18/2020, 2:21:36 PM
Autor: marshalist

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/Tl4GQkvyo
Data dodania: 11/30/2020, 3:31:25 PM
Autor: marshalist

This is how bad the economy is:

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can not afford batteries.
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
If the bank returns your check marked ‟Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally….
* I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

#redditselected #usa #kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/ndnOiXYHg
Data dodania: 11/16/2020, 6:26:29 PM
Autor: marshalist

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/OSaNWMcmh
Data dodania: 10/5/2020, 10:56:41 PM
Autor: marshalist

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".
The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?

Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?

Suspect : Well that asshole ran towards the other 10.

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/DXVF_AcJs
Data dodania: 9/29/2020, 9:02:27 AM
Autor: marshalist

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar."

The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…

"SUPPLIES!"

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/3G2Q8ciP4
Data dodania: 9/25/2020, 8:42:54 AM
Autor: marshalist

An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Rolls-Royce stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Royce and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take care of it."

"I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Royce, a mansion, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand menacingly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/9Jv5oshVn
Data dodania: 9/17/2020, 11:48:10 AM
Autor: marshalist

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Trump: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship condoms in from Mexico."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea… The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about Canada?"

Trump: "Okay, I'll call Justin and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested… All colored with red maple leaves and in small writing saying: Made In Canada/Size: Small.

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/U52orihP-
Data dodania: 8/4/2020, 12:05:33 PM
Autor: marshalist

There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 days for your test results.

The man came back in 3 days and the doctor said "I have some bad news. You have a disease called Pongolion HP. It is very uncommon here and we now little about it. I'm sorry but we will need to amputate your penis."

The man was horrified. He went back to Thailand to see a Thai doctor thinking he would know more about it. The doctor said "Oh yes, pongolion HP, very rare. yes" said the Thai Doctor. The American doctor wants to amputate my penis, the man said. "Stupid a american doctor, make more money that way, no need amputate." "Oh thank god" said the man. Then the Thai doctor said "wait two weeks, falls off by itself".

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/EtO2CJFtf
Data dodania: 7/30/2020, 10:06:26 PM
Autor: marshalist

A teacher gives her young students an assignment. Use the word 'contagious' in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow.

The next day all the kids are raising their hand. The teacher calls on Susie.

Susie says, "My little brother has the flu and if he sneezes on me I will get sick because he is contagious."

The teacher replies, "Very good Susie!"

The teacher calls on Timmy. Timmy says, "When I was younger I had chicken pox and all other moms brought their kids over so I could give them chicken pox too because it was good that I was contagious."

The teacher says, "That's another good one!"

Little Johnny is raising his hand and the teacher hesitates but reluctantly calls on him.

Little Johnny says, "This weekend our neighbor finally painted her old fence. My dad said it was about time, it took the cunt ages.

#kawalzreddita #marshaltown


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/v9Jdl4e0U
Data dodania: 7/30/2020, 8:36:05 AM
Autor: marshalist

Three nuns die and go to Heaven…

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.

"The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.

"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.

"Oh, that's a hard one…"

The gates swing open.

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/5Py1AQyR3
Data dodania: 7/16/2020, 8:51:06 AM
Autor: marshalist

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence fell… then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: "So, what's it gonna be?"

To which he replied, "meow".

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/wjf1FhojZ
Data dodania: 7/2/2020, 2:23:19 PM
Autor: marshalist

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom…

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full version. Give my friends lyrics sheets, so they can join in. I want a full backing orchestra. A gospel choir. When we reach the crescendo I want to fire an AR15 into the air, to celebrate our God given rights to bear arms'

It will be done, says the genie

The Japanese guy goes next. 'I love my country too. Nothing represents it better than our wonderful cuisine. Please let me taste one more time, the delicacies of my village. I want fermented sticky soy beans. Fresh sea urchin. Raw horse meat. Pickled seaweed. Sugared omelettes. And please….provide enough so I can share the meal with my friends'

It will be done, says the genie

The Englishman quietly approaches the genie, and whispers in his ear

'Just kill me before the food and that bloody song'

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/JRmGXTOk_
Data dodania: 6/22/2020, 8:23:59 AM
Autor: marshalist

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair. "Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/Rcld68AMW
Data dodania: 6/6/2020, 5:51:54 PM
Autor: marshalist

MEN'S HELP LINE – Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/jqmvqFwK7
Data dodania: 5/19/2020, 12:33:00 AM
Autor: marshalist

#kawalzreddita

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up heroin.

The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr Sheep, don't do heroin! Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!"

The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin.

The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together.

Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing and in this clearing is a tiger.

Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer.

The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr Tiger, don't drink beer! Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you! Come running with us through the forest!"

The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit and back his beer.

He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him.

He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw and starts mauling the shit out of the rabbit!

The giraffe and sheep are in shock.

And they scream, "Dude, what the fuck!? He was just trying to help you!"

The tiger turns to them and growls, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/j-iZqfCiE
Data dodania: 5/17/2020, 4:50:04 PM
Autor: marshalist

A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.

The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The American says, “That's nothing.”

He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."

The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.

The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."

The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."

The matelot comes to attention and salutes.

The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."

The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”

The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."

#kawalzreddita


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/JIvWgBwpl
Data dodania: 5/14/2020, 11:39:54 PM
Autor: marshalist

#kawalzreddita

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/KMJR_KJUe
Data dodania: 5/2/2020, 10:07:00 AM
Autor: marshalist

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

#kawalzreddita #marshaltown


Zobacz: https://lurker.land/post/IKxQZ592i
Data dodania: 4/30/2020, 9:18:47 PM
Autor: marshalist

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Long

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.

The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

#kawalzreddita #marshaltown